I have always grown from my problems and challenges, from the things that don't work out, that's when I've really learned.
We don't stop going to school when we graduate.
Before you go to bed, write down three 'gratefuls' for the day and three 'did wells' (they can even include something as simple as doing the laundry)-the results can be amazing!
It's also selfish because it makes you feel good when you help others. I've been helped by acts of kindness from strangers. That's why we're here, after all, to help others.
I couldn't get the laughter out of my head. It wasn't career. It wasn't even a choice. It was a calling.
If you want to know the feeling [of labor pain], just take your bottom lip and pull it over your head.
Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.
I always preferred working with somebody so I could look into their eyeballs and play tennis.
Well, I don't know how astute I am, but I did want to be a journalist when I was growing up.
I can't tell a joke to save my soul. It's just not my thing, though I love to listen to jokes.
I think we're here for each other.
The first time someone said, 'What are your measurements?' I answered, '37, 24, 38 - but not necessarily in that order.'
The audience is never wrong.
Adolescence is just one big walking pimple.
Daddy, when he drank, just became sweeter. There wasn't a mean thought in his body. I've always said he was like a drunk Jimmy Stewart.
What I like to write about is stuff I know. I don't think I could write a novel. I don't think I have it in me to come up with those kinds of characters.
I love to write. I have always loved writing. That was my first love.
there were times when I was more at home in front of millions of people than I was at home.
I'm really not that funny in real life. But I am the best audience one could find. I love to laugh.
In '57, I got a job at the Blue Angel nightclub, and a gentleman named Ken Welch wrote all my material for me. I lived at a place called the Rehearsal Club that was actually the basis for a play called Stage Door.
I never regretted turning down anything, I never regretted losing a job because I always felt something else was out there.
Because nobody goes through life without a scar.
I'm glad I was born when I was. My time was the golden age of variety. If I were starting out again now, maybe things would happen for me, but it certainly would not be on a variety show with 28 musicians, 12 dancers, two major guest stars, 50 costumes a week by Bob Mackie - the networks just wouldn't spend the money today.
You do have to love your kids enough to let them hate you. But it's the disease that's hating you, not them.
You have to go through the falling down in order to learn to walk. It helps to know that you can survive it. That's an education in itself.
I love the writing. I love the idea of typing and seeing it on the computer and printing it out myself and, you know, moving sentences around. I like that.
As far as sitcoms go, I thought Jenna Elfman in 'Dharma and Greg' was a wonderful physical comedienne who had great timing.
I have a great memory.
Words, once they are printed, have a life of their own.
But I didn't ask to have somebody nose around in my private life. I didn't even ask to be famous. All I asked was to be able to earn a living making people laugh.
No matter what, when you major in theater arts whether you want to write or be a director or design scenery or whatever, when you are a freshman at UCLA then - I guess it's still the same way - you had to take an acting class.
I've always been able to recount things and I have a really good memory about dialog and what people have said before and this and that.
I always had a weak chin because we couldn't afford to correct my bite, which could have been corrected with braces. So the chin was always weak. And I always was - kind of hated my profile. And I thought wouldn't it be nice someday to feel the rain on your chin without having to look up.
Originally, I came from Texas, and we lived on - I guess you'd call it welfare, what we called relief.
I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these?
If someone tells you that you cannot do something and you believe it, they are right.
It's almost impossible to be funnier than the people in Washington.
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk? Having a baby is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
I don't remember a time when I wasn't waiting for a scab either to grow or to fall off my knee.
If you see a kid in school, who is a little shy ... that's when you should reach out. When you do, you are going to open up a flower and discover something wonderful.
I always felt that I was more of an actress than a - I can't tell a joke to save my soul, but that I was a comedic actress.
Comedy = tragedy + time.
I was once asked to do my Tarzan yell at Bergdorf Goodman, and a guard burst in with a gun! Now I only do it under controlled circumstances.
You have to have faith that there is a reason you go through certain things. I can't say I'm glad to go through pain, but in a way one must, in order to gain courage and really feel joy.
I think the hardest thing to do in the world, show-business-wise, is write comedy.
I don't eat much meat, fish, or poultry.
When you have a dream, you've got to grab it and never let go.
You know, one wonderful thing that came out of my Enquirer experience is that, in my case, it was ruled tabloids are magazines. Which means they didn't have the protection that a newspaper has.
It costs a lot to sue a magazine, and it's too bad that we don't have a system where the losing team has to pay the winning team's lawyers.
My grandmother and I saw an average of eight movies a week, double features, second run.
People invite me to dinner not because I can cook, but because I like to clean up. I get immediate gratification from windex. Yes, I do windows.
I had a good loud voice and I wasn't afraid to be goofy or zany.
No one ever said life was fair. Just Eventful.
But I don't begrudge anybody, because I know how hard it is to have that dream and to make it happen, whether or not it's just to put a roof over your head and food on the table.
When someone who is known for being comedic does something straight, it's always "a big breakthrough" or a "radical departure." Why is is no one ever says that if a straight actor does comedy? Are they presuming comedy is easier?
My grandmother and I followed my mother here, to a house a block north of Hollywood Boulevard but a million miles away from Hollywood, if you know what I mean. We would hang out behind the ropes and look at the movie stars arriving at the premieres.
Celebrity was a long time in coming; it will go away. Everything goes away.
I liked myself better when I wasnt me.
I wish my mother had left me something about how she felt growing up. I wish my grandmother had done the same. I wanted my girls to know me.
What I do when I write is I just write the way I would tell it, so it comes out just exactly the way I would talk to you.
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
My interesting diet tips are eat early and don't nosh between meals. I mean, I can pack it away.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
